"I've lost my fun"

Well, this post is going to be a little bit different. I've been thinking about this past year a lot, and what the future is going to hold and I decided it was time to put some of my thoughts into words even if no one reads it.

 

2012 is coming to an end and tomorrow night I will be ringing in the new year with friends. I have to admit I am really looking forward to a new year. I'm hoping that this new year is a new beginning for me in a lot of ways; mostly health and love. Of course, I do always get a little sappy to see another year of life pass but sometimes a new year is just what a person needs.

 

I've been reflecting a lot about last year and the year before that. Last NYE I spent it with one of my best friends. She is single and we always seem to go through things at the same time and have a lot of the same emotions. We go through up's and down's together so it felt really good to ring in the new year with someone that wants and desires the same things as me but doesn't have them. I will definitely be thinking of her tomorrow night. I will be with another good friend that I feel goes through a lot of the same things too. It's funny but I find being alone on NYE is worse than being single on Valentine's Day. I always imagine bringing in the new year with someone you love, sharing memories and making promises for a better tomorrow. I guess I am getting to do that, just in a friend version. I am happy that I get to be with friends though, it's just what I need. This reminds me to bring your attention to the title of this post, "I've lost my fun". I used to consider myself a bit of a social butterfly. When I was in college I ALWAYS wanted to be where everyone else was. I kept myself busy (probably a little more than I should have) and then after I graduated and moved to Lexington I seemed to stay even busier. I had several friends that lived there and it seemed like most nights of the week I had dinner plans or visitors. But what I missed more than anything was the comfort of my family. I wanted them in my every day life, my parents, grandma, aunts and cousins are what is most important. Not that my friends are any less, but it's a different kind of importance. Now that I live back in my home town and have my family around, I get so bored and miss all of my friends. I've noticed I now have social anxiety and what I find fun is sitting on my couch in slouchy clothes watching reality tv and drinking wine. I feel like I have lost my fun. Where did Sarah go? This isn't me.

 

I reflect on 2011. Worst year ever. After a three year long relationship with the person I loved more than anyone else in the world, I was dumped. Yep, dumped. On the phone. I trusted him with my life. There was never any doubt in my mind that he didn't love me or want his future to be with me. I was blind sided, or so I thought. I had realized that the butterlfies had died, maybe we were too comfortable with each other, maybe things had changed somewhat...but I didn't love him any less. I wanted him at my place even if he was in the other room in his pj's watching basketball and I was watching some crappy television show. Just knowing that he was there was enough for me. He was my comfort and honestly he was the best part of my day. I looked forward to seeing him and telling him about my day. I hated my job, I barely could afford rent, but at least I had him. I adored his family from the beginning...I felt like they accepted me as one of their own right from the start. His friends had become my friends too. In most ways, I thought we were on the same page. We both liked spicy food, we loved our families, we wanted the same things, we had a lot of the same political views, we drank diet coke and miller lite, the list goes on...I just didn't understand how he could say "he couldnt do this anymore". Do what?! I did everything he wanted me to do. What it really was....he felt major pressure ( FROM EVERYONE) approaching out 3 year anniversary to propose and he was scared.

 

The Break Up:

We had went to a wedding (one of many over the past 3 years) the previous weekend. He was just acting different. He had lost his romance, and I had lost my fun. Things just seemed different that weekend. I remember I went out for the bouqet toss and I felt wrong in even going out there. Most of the time I avoided even going and would slip off to the bathroom just so I could avoid the weirdness. Then they called for the single guys to come out...he went out (I was really surprised because he always found a way to get out of it) and he was the ONLY single guy out there and he joked and said nevermind and started walking back to the table. That wasn't embarrassing....NOT. Eventually other guys went out there, but I already felt hurt. The next morning we went back to Lexington, he just seemed in the worst mood and of course was feeling regret of the night before. We were meeting two other friends that we ran around to different places with. He was moody...and really made it miserable but I ignored it and tried having fun anyway. Later that evening the four of us went to an outside bar and had several drinks. I kept talking about marriage, and babies. I'm ready for that and that was never a secret in our relationship. He had told me several times that he wanted me to be his wife...I honestly thought he was getting ready to propose. I said something about "I have a certain time limit and if I'm not engaged by then, I'm done". I realize that this is NOTHING that a girl should say to a guy. But I felt disrespected and I felt like he needed to know I was ready and if he wasn't then things needed to happen. Well, I basically shot myself in the foot on that one bc he made things happen alright. He told me that I needed to go find someone else, but I ignored him. On the phone in the middle of the night, he told me he "just couldn't do this anymore". I was devastated.

 

A year and half later:

I haven't seen him. We haven't even spoken since I pulled in his drive way, gave him a box of his things, he gave me a box of mine...and that's it. We have mutual friends so sometime's that makes it tough bc I hear a lot about him. But I have had a LOT of thinking in 2012. A lot of finding myself and what I want and need. I haven't been in a relationship since. There have been about 3 other guys I have dated and "talked to", one of which I really really thought was going to turn into more...but they all have commitment issues. Or maybe it's just me, who know's. But I do know this about myself, I give EVERYTHING I have to my relationships. I do everything I can to make my significant other happy bc I'm just the type of person that if I know that I am making them happy, then I can be happy. But anyway...I have finally realized that God has been looking out for me. Maybe my prayers haven't been answered on my time, but he's got a plan and he's been looking out for me. I know that I have gotten really personal on a public site...but I needed to get this out. There are a lot of personal things I wont put on here about our relationship...but I am so thankful now that I have taken the time and weighed the good and bad. Even though he is a great person and I loved him, I know now that what he did was a favor to me. We weren't working from the very beginning. We had all odd's against us and a lot of people wanting us to fail. But there was one major thing in between us that caused the majority of our problems...and although most of the time I do think I was happy, there were those times that the bad came out...and when the bad came out that was probably some of my lowest most hurtful moments in my life. It's strange that the person that makes you the happiest and you love the most is also the one person that can hurt you the most and cut you the deepest. I felt disrespected, dependent, and deprived of what I deserve. I'm going to call that "My 4D's". :)

 

To sum it all up...what I am trying to say is:

 

I'm in a happy place. Yes, I am lonely and I do want to find a person who loves me and thinks that I am worth a commitment. But I am still happy, independent, smarter, and stronger. I have my bad days, but I have more good. I have my faith that God is there and he's looking out for me. It will happen on his time and terms...and the biggest prayer that I need is patience.

 

Here is to 2013. New beginnings, independence, stronger souls, more smiles, and letting go.

 

Cheers,

 

Sarah